Unwarranted guilt-

I was working flat out , in an excellent position-as I paid the mortgages, clothing- everything but some food. Two children are at the babysitter's. One- 7 months old- (6?) , the other, 1.7 years old. I go to pick them up- am off a bit earlier than usual. The babysitter meets me at the door with the older child- with a terrible look on her face. My husband- the child sexual predator, has come and taken the baby. I ask -how long ago-. Not long- . I drive like a fiend to get back. Arrive- fly into house. I cannot remember where the toddler was or where she went- if she came in- that is a blank. Still. Pervert comes rushing down the stairs, puffing and all red in the face. He says- gasping- don't go up- she's been sick- . Die you fuck.(I think) I go up. Find a sheet with -a circular wet mark about 5 inches in diameter- baby maybe was sucking on it ? She is on her stomach- a hastily thrown clean sheet on the crib mattress- not tucked in- and a new diaper. Her tiny bottom in the air, knees/legs curled under her. At some point- can't remember- immediate ?- I pick her up and put her on the changing table. Open the diaper. She had made desperate protesting noises when I picked her up (from behind). There is a flaming red friction burn mark around the anus, as if a red-hot two dollar piece had been held there and seared the skin. I grab the zinc paste. Gently pick up the legs- she stiffens her whole body and pulls/looks away. God. One part of my mind KNOWS what the bastard did. The other part is reeling from- how could anyone- who will believe me- what the hell do I do do I kill him do I try (again) to get out- can't tell social services- they won't believe me- can't be obvious he will kill me (already tried)She kind of convulses . A viscous white ribbon of matter is expelled. Ejaculate. I call the baby's name. Show her the paste on my finger. Say "it's mummy, it's mummy-" She suddenly focuses on me and the body relaxes. I put the paste on -gingerly. When he did this to the older one (as a baby) I did not connect. He wouldn't let me take her to the hospital (I realize now- until the burn marks went.)When I did go- the hospital didn't "connect" either.

The rest of the days and weeks are a complete blank- except-

A few days later, there are bruises on both legs. I cannot figure it out- my hand does not fit- the marks are too big- and, the marks don't fit the way I had held her legs to put on the paste.Two outlines of two hands- well- ten fingers-. I tried placing my hands every which way- I thought I had caused the bruises. It was years before I realised- the bruises were from HIM grabbing her- from behind, while she was on her stomach. And this being (male) got sole custody and then cut me out entirely from their lives. Then , everyone blamed me and thought I had done something wrong. I wish I WERE a witch and could bring down disaster on all the people who destroyed us.

Momma, will I ever be able to pee again?

The 9 year old asked in a trembling terrified voice. I am standing beside her in one of those miniscule hospital emergency room examining stations. Two weeks ago her father, who got custody, actually brought her for a visit. (he never followed court orders) Her sister didn't come. She had marched straight up to the bathroom - actually - limped up- one step, one foot. Then the other foot, hesitatingly beside it. She looked to be in pain. She never spoke. I held back from going up, to see if the wife beater,child sexual assaulter and bestiality practitioner was outside still. He was. Parked. So, we cannot speak. He had bought one of those listening devices. I don't know if it was effective for listening, but the girls certainly thought so.

By the time I go upstairs, the little one- she was small for her age - was in the bathtub- and scalding hot water was in the tub. Horrified, I put on the cold water. She spoke- "No it has to be hot." She turns it off when it is only about two inches deep. I don't understand - but I know it is profound. Her eyes tell me that. Her entire being speaks of trauma. I still don't get it-. I pick up her clothes- dirty as usual. The underpants are coated, in the crotch area with a dried viscous white substance. I think- now he has given her an infection. I want to take her to the hospital. I can't. I have no money. None. I have no gas. I dare not phone the doctor. The perpetrator is still outside. He has attacked men - not just me and not just children. If I phone and he can hear me with that blasted device-the doctor is at even more risk.

I cannot remember the rest of the day.I only know that 2 weeks later I saw her again on a Sunday, and I had some money for gas to go to the hospital. The underpants are in a Ziploc bag.

The doctor doesn't SEE what is in front of him. Or doesn't want to. Emergency room doctors on weekends are frequently beginners. I don't suppose doctors are taught anything about female anatomy from babyhood on. Does he think it normal what I see clearly ? Does he ask ? No. Another big nothing.My child has been raped and no-one sees, hears or wants to know. If I speak too much, my chances of being killed increase- and it looks as though the ONLY thing I can do for my children- is not be killed by him. That would prove the hopelessness of living to them- for sure.

The doctor DID write a bit- about redness he saw - but nothing of the tearing- which I saw. But then- 21 years later-if an adult is raped- there is no operating place, with rape kits etc. -available.(in my geographic region) Society teaches us well- women and children are - nothing.You can do anything you want to them, and nothing will happen. And if you try to tell ? - You are criminalized- for "wanting to tell lies about the nice man." All the while- our society makes nice noises about combatting child sexual assaults.

The underpants finally went to the social services. The answer came back: "there is nothing we can do."

I never thought they would or could- but- followed the law anyway.But then- apart from the perpetrator, the social services were a major obstacle for protecting my children. Goes like this : follow the law, report child sexual aggressions, go for divorce to protect them and self-be blamed for lying by social services, lose custody to child rapist. Some wonder why more sex crimes are not reported -well- really- how inane can you get.

I love to watch Dexter. Of course. I wish he were real.

Every day I want to wrap my arms around my children and tell them I will protect them from a criminal. But that would be lying to them. And now they are confused adults- out there somewhere.I guess.

The Custody Scam: Peoria murder-suicide victim sought help from court

The Custody Scam: Peoria murder-suicide victim sought help from court


Very interesting and extremely important site- re: child victims of parent abuse-and- "systems" abuse.

Cat helps prove child abuser's guilt

American Humane: Email - Cat helps prove child abuser's guilt

Abuse of animals is frequently found in conjunction with abuse of children. I know a woman who knew of her "husband's" bestiality AND sexual and other abuse of his children- but when she reported- nothing happened. Nothing- except- she lost custody of her tiny daughters, followed by the loss of her career,houses,farm and other properties. Now- reporting these crimes is required by law- if not by ethics and morality- however, you can be sure that every case like hers- empowers the criminals and further silences the victims. You see, so many others knew of her and the children's anguish- and were subsequently too terrified to report - - -their own abuses.

This American Humane Society article about a true event , bears witness to the fact that there ARE- albeit few and far between- those who have enough moral fibre- to report and assist the victims. That is why this true story of the cat and the girl is so desperately important. Anyone who reads this- please pass it on. Even if you only like animals- and not humans !!!!!!!!!!

Make no mistake about it, once reported- the victim who reports then faces new enemies- in the form of disbelief of- some police, some lawyers, some judges and some prosecutors. If a prosecutor does believe the victim- many will not prosecute- these cases do not apparently, "further their careers". Do not make the mistake of thinking that - legal intervention has anything to do with justice. It doesn't.

The Thousands of Years War

Re: A.G.L. v. K.B.D.

Our ancestors- Neanderthal era- functioned for sheer survival, it is said. An alpha male protected the group-and achieved and kept his status only as long as he was effective in physical strength and cunning in his instinctual fight for survival of his species/genes. We see this behavior still, in mammalian species. Successful alphas- wolves, for example, maintain their position as long as they protect and function within the group. They even put up fences- to mark their territory and warn invaders- thus avoiding open conflict-killing each other- as fighting to kill is detrimental to the survival of the species. Rogue males are excluded from the group- no food is shared-and frequently the rejects die of starvation-or from attacks by other rogue wolves.

As evolution continues-and evolves- in our human mammalian species- our treatment of and behavior towards the rogues- the corrupt-the twisted-the rejects, has somehow morphed into an incomprehensible inability to recognize and properly (safely) deal with the predators.

I personally would rather have an alpha male wolf urinate around his territory (the fence), than try to survive an attack of human predators-rogues dressed up in psychology and misogyny.

Ripping children away from the only constant parent they have known- and placing them with an alleged abuser, to me, is beyond utter madness. I am reminded of a documentary I saw this year, showing a rogue(rejected) male chimpanzee, kidnapping a baby from its mother.I fail to see any difference between that filmed episode and what is done to some children, in our society.(The alpha males got him- and got the baby back- the baby died)Sound familiar ?

Instead of raping women and children and looting and pillaging their shelters and food supplies etc.- we do the same- but use words and offensive theories to wreak destruction.

The scorched earth policy of- marauding males in war. Leave nothing standing- especially the women/mothers. Our survival instincts ,in some, have become corrupted,twisted and evil.

What is achieved, is devastation. We are devolving.