Some are known and can be foreseen . Many cannot. One must be on constant alert to check and doublecheck all reactions so as to ensure there is not an over-reaction to some word or sentence or facial expression.It is exhausting.
This one hit out of the blue. The Supreme Court decision on "low risk" HIV infection and the need to inform a partner did it. More correctly, the discussions after in a newspaper, did me in. I cannot even remember the content of the article or comments, except for the one word that set off the avalanche of desperate , intensely sad reactions. Clamydia. A sexually transmitted disease.
That was what my x beating battering child abusing animal abusing thieving piece of criminality gave me. And gave to some children he had - contact with. All of that suffering un necessary. Lives mangled and destroyed thanks to a crown prosecutor who refused to lay charges when the police asked. Thanks to the youth destruction group who helped the child rapist.wife beater/attempted murder thing/bestiality practitioner/thief criminal.
He had a vasectomy before I managed to sue for divorce (since there was no help anywhere). Said to me it was because he loved me. He must have thought I was as stupid as all the insane social workers and psychologists. It was so he would not impregnate his victims. At least one victim took, without needing to- birth control pills for years and years. That alone is not good for the health.
And still some (men) ask me - did I never get a "chum" after divorce. Idiots. What do they think DV is ? The x beat up men too. Democratic abuser. Abuse anything our society lets him hurt. That's a LOT.That's anything and anyone. The Supreme Court is completely UNABLE to judge in matters of human health and welfare. Any law system is. Laws were developed to protect property. As such, they cannot and should not wander blindly into the realms of health and welfare of living entities.
That's how old his baby was when the father took her . Took her to a house and sodomized his baby.
The woman in front of me has recently had the kaleidoscope pieces of fractured memory, click together. She had telephoned the police that night her baby was taken and traumatized. Her soul had refused to connect the date of the call, with what she knew later. Until now.
He had come back with the baby, saying she screamed so much that he had to bring her back. The baby was like a gray rag doll. No muscle tone. When the terrified mother changed her diaper, there was a burned red mark around the anus, as if a red hot 2 dollar coin had been held there. With a convulsion, the baby expelled an amount of whitish, slimy liquid. The mother said she thought it was diarrhoea. She said that she felt unreal.That she thought it wasn't diarrhoea but could not conceive of the possibility that anyone could do this to a baby. She thinks now that some primal part of her being "knew" what he had done, but that her mind and soul simply could not understand it. But the date she phoned the police is burned into her brain. For the later realization.
The anguish she still lives does not show - except in her eyes. I cannot look too much. The anguish reflected there is too much for me to experience. I can only listen. And record.
She had told the father she was worried sick about the baby's health. She wanted to take her to the hospital. He said no. As he was murderously violent, she acquiesced. She couldn't help the baby if the mother was killed. She took the baby a couple of days later.The baby wouldn't eat or drink. She tells me that years later she learned that rapists know that babies and children heal quickly. He had wanted her to wait so the doctors wouldn't see the raw red friction burn mark.
Now the tears come. Silently. Running down her face. This tears my heart to shreds.
And- what happened after, I ask. He never stopped. He particularly went after the next baby. Committed the same crime around the same age. Then groomed her. A bitter laugh. I learned a whole new vocabulary in the following years. Grooming, dry humping etc. I never stopped asking for help- and nothing ever happened. I had told everyone who by law, was supposed to act to protect the children. A social worker came to the house and asked him if he beat me, she continues. He had said yes, she needed it.Another came later and recommended family therapy and wrote a report on housekeeping.Nothing. So she went for divorce. And lost custody.
She told me how the first baby had told and tried and tried to escape/stop the abuse. She told me how the youngest had tried also. They had all tried.
And now - - -I dare to ask. I don't know. I think they are all alive (there was an older third who was also abused-differently) I think there is an unusual- complicated contact with one or both . But I don't know. Not for sure.
As I type this, it is dripping rain. I imagine it to be that mother's tears, falling gently. I hope they fall on those children, now adults and help them realize the love that mother has always had for them. Maybe that knowledge might help mitigate the grave injustice our world dealt them.
I was transfixed by this- not because the information or logic was new, but because a member of the party in power said it. I did not expect anything logical or ethical to come out of this present government.That alone indicates that I have learned well what to expect from this government - - - -
lie cheat deceive postulate inane theories dig around in women's bodies build useless gazebos- equate a people gaining personhood with a license to kill, unregistered- this government WILL go down in history. As infamous.
There are things I know that inhabit my mind and soul and serve to waken me or stun me back into the time and place of the events. They come unbidden to tear again at me. If I am driving or in a meeting or trying to pay a purchase, they put me into a forgetting- of the moment. I end up driving somewhere I had not intended. I lose my train of thought in the meeting or stop functioning effectively in the language of that meeting. I forget my blasted PIN number and have to hold up a long line of people while I search for the number I have secreted somewhere to deal with these PTSD symptoms.
There are things I remember. The child rapist tells me he is taking my then small son 6? 7? 8? and looking 5, to help him with wood. I don't like it at all, but I had a small baby in the house and the cr was capable of killing me. The cr comes back after a while, without my son. Heart clutch. Has he killed him ? I must remain calm- there is a baby upstairs. He says- I came back for tea-he is piling wood. He has that look on his face- a sort of cruel perverse smug "I gotcha" look. I MUST remain calm. He sits there for a long time. After- I don't know how long, a strange car pulls up. Out gets a man -in his- 50's ? wearing one of those "old time" fur hats-. He has glasses. My son gets out of the passenger side. The man says something to him. My son comes to the house - walking stiff legged- with what has been descibed as the thousand yard stare. Past me, inside, upstairs to his room.I must have gone outside. The man says to me that he lives near where the cr was working and heard the child crying so he brought him home. I know he is lying. I cannot conceive of why. I go upstairs. My son is in his room- the rest is still blank. The man talked briefly to the cr-. Then left.
Some time later, I put it all together. You see, the cr did not just trade/sell my two daughters (only one ?) he also sold my son. And the son's father , who left and divorced me, supported the cr . Supported a child rapist and refused to pay for his school etc.( I refused to ask for alimony- I knew he would torture us-or me) Supported the cr when I went for divorce FROM the cr, and lost custody of two small traumatized girls to the cr. Did I report ? Of course. The social services did nothing except push for family therapy. Insane. Or part of a porn/child sex ring. That's one tiny example of what comes to torture me daily and nightly. I have achieved a couple of things though. The cr who tried to kill me, did not succeed- in or out of the marriage. I think he is dead but I have no confirmation. The supporter is dead .
The college fund I began for children, the properties I was working to pay for so I could leave them to the children- all gone. Lost. They succeeeded in losing me my jobs -properties- everything. Absolutely everything. But- they NEVER got my spirit. They never will. So, when I listen to our present government blathering about crime rates etc. , to me, they are blithering idiots. I am soothed that I am not alone in thinking this.I wonder if intrafamilial child sexual abuse will be recognized as such- in my lifetime. Recognized by social services and courts etc. I don't think so. Not in my lifetime. There are literally thousands and thousands of divorced mothers, whose children at the very least, are twisted up in their development, by this - shared parenting concept. All THAT idea is, is to reduce child support payments. At the worst- there are cases like ours.
Whom do I blame ? Who is ultimately responsible for this annihilation?
First of course, the abuser. The brute. The criminal. He who raped my children. Who brutalized my babies and animals. Who tried to kill me. Who got custody.
And as a malevolent shadow behind him, my first husband. The non-person. The Hollow Man.
The HM, who, when I awoke weeping the night my father died at my knees on the floor, turned and so roughly said " Whaddaya crying for it's not sad when an old man dies." I was pregnant with HM's child. My first born. This HM who was so supportive of and friends with the child rapist who had also brutalized the HM's child. HM who came to court and lied. He always lied so well. About everything. HM who found the lawyer for the criminal. And on and on. It would take many books to describe it all. Did I ever tell anyone ? No. To what end ?
Equally, maybe mostly, I blame the social services culture and rules. The police were always excellent with me. They knew him. But they and others are required by law to report any abuses like wife beating and child sexual abuse, to the social services.All cries for help lead, by law, to the social services. A very few know what they are doing. A huge number have no idea what they are doing. (undoubtedly think they know) , and follow the legends, myths and fairy tales they have learned. Some who may be involved in child sex abuse/porn rings. After all, there is a market and these people have easy and mandated access to hapless victims. There is money to be made with human agony.
Finally, I blame the divorce laws which would be laughable if they were not so ruinous to already brutalized and victimized mothers and children.