J'accuse

                                                    
Whom do I blame ? Who is ultimately responsible for this annihilation?


First of course, the abuser. The brute. The criminal. He who raped my children. Who brutalized my babies and animals. Who tried to kill me. Who got custody.


And as a  malevolent shadow behind him, my first husband. The non-person. The Hollow Man.


The HM, who, when I awoke weeping the night my father died at my knees on the floor, turned and so roughly said " Whaddaya crying for it's not sad when an old man dies." I was pregnant with HM's child. My first born.  This HM who was so supportive of  and friends with the child rapist who had also brutalized the HM's child. HM who came to court and lied. He always lied so well. About everything. HM who found the lawyer for the criminal. And on and on. It would take many books to describe it all. Did I ever tell anyone ? No. To what end ?


Equally, maybe mostly,  I blame the social services culture and rules. The police were always excellent with me. They knew him. But they and others  are required by law to report any abuses like wife beating and child sexual abuse, to the social services.All cries for help lead, by law, to the social services. A very few know what they are doing. A huge number have no idea what they are doing. (undoubtedly think they know) , and follow the legends, myths and fairy tales they have learned. Some who may be involved in child sex abuse/porn rings. After all, there is a market and these people have easy and mandated access to hapless victims. There is money to be made with human agony.


Finally,  I blame the divorce laws which would be laughable if they were not so ruinous to already brutalized and victimized mothers and children.


                                            J' accuse

The Web

of manipulation, lies and stupidity. A hallmark of divorces involving abuses. Here is one small thread of one tiny web.

A bit of background. Husband no.1 , x no. 1  saw me reading a book by (I forget !) maybe Greer, or de Beauvoir . Around 1972. I was always and remain, a "bookworm". He decided then and there that I was a feminist. I didn't know what that was ! Whatever that was, to him it seemed as if I was a murderer or something equally horrendous. He stomped around the house like a 2 year old having a tantrum. Weird. But then, the guy seemed so damaged that I knew early on that something was terribly off about him.  I got married when that one asked (had refused a lot) , to please my aging parents. They lived in a decent world. None of us knew about- "the hollow people".

Fast forward. I marry x2, because I am pregnant  (after being told by medical people that I could never have another child) and as I have no job, no money and did have the farm my parents left me,I decided I had no choice but to marry.(late 70's) Looking back, I still cannot see any other decision I could have made. I did have 25$ a week in child support. I has refused alimony for me, knowing that the hollow man would never leave me alone.(even though he left and wanted divorce)

Jump ahead about six years. Son by x1, now age 11, abused and traumatized by x2 and his friends, is developing some behaviours that I find suspicious. I am in the process of setting up our escape plan and must not allow anything to arouse suspicion in x2. I have already asked a lawyer about divorce and was told I must tell the abuser. I was afraid of being killed- but told him. He seemed to-go the way of trying to  convince me to not divorce. I had quietly put it off for a year. I made more plans in the meantime. (x2 is an incestuous child rapist of children, animal rapist and wife beater)

I try to never let the children out of my sight. Ever. It is late summer.1983 ?  The son is home, soon to go to boarding school. I lose sight of the older girl, age 5, and the boy. Panic. Call and call and rush around with my heart in my throat. . Finally into the new vehicle to search further afield. 

A short way down the country farm lane, and the girl emerges from a shed. Comes to the vehicle. With a look on her face- of - shock ? I ask what was going on. She told me. (undressed her) I asked if the boy had put any body part inside her.She said "no- he started to, and stopped." I want to vomit. I want to kill. I want to disappear with my daughters. I can do nothing. If he (x2) finds out, we are doomed. All of us. 

For years, I have told medical, police, church, psychologists at a major Montreal hospital etc. They must report to social services.Family therapy is offered. Nothing.I had got another degree, a job,a vehicle etc.The son was going to be in boarding school. To protect him and all of us. If I say something now-to whom ? There is no-one left to tell. The web is about to strangle us all.Just like x2 did. Except I lived. Will we all live through this ?

Maybe a couple of weeks later, a social worker appears. Another one. I thought- finally, some reaction from the powers that be. Silly me. She was talking about the boy.She closed the file, writing that I had solved the problem. At the time I still had not caught on- I thought- nothing is solved, what is she talking about ? So, x2 was behind all that. SS listened to him, but not the police or doctor or any of the others- including me. Are they all in a group of pedophiles ?

Half a year later, I have temporary custody, have rented my loved farm and moved (second mortgage) to a house in a village, thinking that if I scream , there is a chance someone will at least hear.

The girl children return from a visit to abuserdad.I am making the beds and find a diary of sorts under the eldest's pillow. There is little in it and it does not read like a child's phrases. There is a last entry :xxxx raped me. I photocopy the phamplet and return it under the pillow. After I lost custody and rarely saw the two seriously traumatized girls,on a visit to me, the older girl suddenly asks me (in a very public place !) "Mum , what does rape mean ?" I answer "It means when someone puts a penis inside your body and you don't want them to." "ohhhhhhhh, I thought it meant take all your clothes off" .

There it is. x2 told her to write that in that "diary"(which I never saw again) and blamed the boy, x1's son, for the supposed rape. By which they meant penile penetration. x1 supported the child rapist who was also responsible for traumatizing his son. The whole thing is/was  so incredibly twisted, demented,, criminal, unspeakably evil and destructive that words are inadequate to describe that web.

This is what "protective" mothers are talking about, when we use the word abuses or domestic violence.This is what fathers' rights gangs support. This.