WARNING MAY TRIGGER. NOT for the faint of heart

Memories of my baby(ies)

31 years and a couple of months ago, I made my first call to the police. The first of many over the next decades.

My then husband had taken the (6-7 month old) baby away to a house he had. He returned some time later saying that the baby wouldn't stop screaming.The baby was like a limp gray rag doll. There was a two dollar coin sized red raw ring around the anus. The baby expelled a ribbon of white material. I thought my baby would die. No eating no drinking. The baby would snooze a bit if I held the tiny hand. I don't know how long I was on the floor beside the crib. Holding the hand. Days. He wouldn't let me take the infant to the hospital. When you know he can kill you, you tend to "obey". I did go when the red had faded but was still visible. The doctors didn't pick up on what he had done. I didn't really realize it until much later. All I knew was that he had the power of death over myself and the children and I was alone to try to keep us alive.The baby was never the same after. Our worlds had been distorted so as to be unrecognizable. I functioned like a robot.

This man was a wife beater. A bestiality practitioner.And a lot more. But the more- I cannot write at this time.


When there was no help from any service (except the police-who really tried), I went for a divorce. By then he had "got" the other baby and a young child. I lost custody. The man who tried to murder me (police report) ,the child rapist, the killer of animals etc. was believed by social services. Plus he had a lawyer who worked with a psychologist who was the "president" of a fathers' rights group. My psychiatrist's report, the police. the priest, the neighbours- etc etc.- all their witnessing and testimony was- unheard ? Meant nothing.
Ergo- I was used as a breeder for a bunch of child pornographers and rapists.

From then on, my life was about finding enough work to pay the child support which stopped finally in 2005.I knew that as long as I could have $ sent, I was possibly safe, and so were the children. He wouldn't (probably) kill any of us, because he would get no more $.

It was a Globe and Mail text from another country, that spurred me to write this memory. One of thousands.

To try to explain the inexplicable-this happens. Far more frequently than most know. We are -"silenced" by laws-by belief systems by attitudes by prejudice and by -plain old evil. Once divorced- with an abuser- the beat goes goes on. Doors get shot out, mothers get shot, children get killed, animals die etc. ad nauseum.
The victims get told to "talk to the nice man". Or- go to to therapy. How absurd.