WARNING MAY TRIGGER. NOT for the faint of heart

Memories of my baby(ies)

31 years and a couple of months ago, I made my first call to the police. The first of many over the next decades.

My then husband had taken the (6-7 month old) baby away to a house he had. He returned some time later saying that the baby wouldn't stop screaming.The baby was like a limp gray rag doll. There was a two dollar coin sized red raw ring around the anus. The baby expelled a ribbon of white material. I thought my baby would die. No eating no drinking. The baby would snooze a bit if I held the tiny hand. I don't know how long I was on the floor beside the crib. Holding the hand. Days. He wouldn't let me take the infant to the hospital. When you know he can kill you, you tend to "obey". I did go when the red had faded but was still visible. The doctors didn't pick up on what he had done. I didn't really realize it until much later. All I knew was that he had the power of death over myself and the children and I was alone to try to keep us alive.The baby was never the same after. Our worlds had been distorted so as to be unrecognizable. I functioned like a robot.

This man was a wife beater. A bestiality practitioner.And a lot more. But the more- I cannot write at this time.


When there was no help from any service (except the police-who really tried), I went for a divorce. By then he had "got" the other baby and a young child. I lost custody. The man who tried to murder me (police report) ,the child rapist, the killer of animals etc. was believed by social services. Plus he had a lawyer who worked with a psychologist who was the "president" of a fathers' rights group. My psychiatrist's report, the police. the priest, the neighbours- etc etc.- all their witnessing and testimony was- unheard ? Meant nothing.
Ergo- I was used as a breeder for a bunch of child pornographers and rapists.

From then on, my life was about finding enough work to pay the child support which stopped finally in 2005.I knew that as long as I could have $ sent, I was possibly safe, and so were the children. He wouldn't (probably) kill any of us, because he would get no more $.

It was a Globe and Mail text from another country, that spurred me to write this memory. One of thousands.

To try to explain the inexplicable-this happens. Far more frequently than most know. We are -"silenced" by laws-by belief systems by attitudes by prejudice and by -plain old evil. Once divorced- with an abuser- the beat goes goes on. Doors get shot out, mothers get shot, children get killed, animals die etc. ad nauseum.
The victims get told to "talk to the nice man". Or- go to to therapy. How absurd.

The Canadian Press: Junior hockey predator Graham James pardoned as fresh allegations emerge

The Canadian Press: Junior hockey predator Graham James pardoned as fresh allegations emerge


On Easter Sunday comes the hitherto hidden news that Graham James, a CONVICTED child/youth sexual aggresssor, was PARDONED in 2007. By a parole board. Just look at the "head honcho" responsible- and his current JOB.

And people wonder why some mothers don't leave their sexual child abuser/wife-beating husbands ?????  They are condemned if they do- and most often, the child sexual abuser- the sick bastard who raped their children, gets custody.  Even a bastard like James- gets -PARDONED ???????????  We live in one sick society. I know- not everyone. But- WHEN will the "decent" folk wake up to what is happening ??????? Or- do you already know and you don't give a damn about anyone else ?????? Some culture. I can't decide if we are devolving, or trying to evolve and having a really bad time of it - -.A bad time meaning- to hell with children. To hell with protective parents. And- on Easter Sunday- some priest somewhere- calls the sexual abuse by clergy events- "petty gossip" ???????  Mangle and destroy a human life- is  - -PETTY ?????? That one should be tarred and feathered and made to live in exile on a desert island with other sick, twisted creeps. I am sickened by the news. As should everyone be.

Reproductive Rights, Parental Rights, and Family Violence: A Dangerous Intersection | RHRealityCheck.org

Reproductive Rights, Parental Rights, and Family Violence: A Dangerous Intersection RHRealityCheck.org


Excellent article- and the usual naysayers in the comments- I just bet the naysayers have never been repeatedly beaten to a pulp--hospitalized etc. I frequently suspect it is abusers who whine the most about articles like this-

Ethics and Ethos - IF

 If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise:


If you can dream - and not make dreams your master,
If you can think -and not make thoughts your aim;
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same;
If you can bear to speak the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:



If you can make one heap  of all your winnings
And risk it all on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long  after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on !"

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son !

Rudyard Kipling (1865 - 1936)


Those eloquent words expressed the ethos or spiritual/ethical way in which Kipling chose to govern his life. A moral and ethical/spiritual set of "rules" by which to live. I found this on a site for ethics training for business and professionals. Perhaps all involved in any way with a family court- should be required to undergo serious training in ethics.

I offer my x husband's version of IF - words he spat out as he beat me to the floor- with his fists. And punctuated with kicks from his workboots- as I was prone-

"If you ever try to leave me you goddammed fucking bitch, I'll get your first husband to help me and he is so poisonous about you that between us, we'll get the children away from you." 

                          Which they proceeded to do- and also as a result, I lost all the properties I was paying for- to have something material to leave my children-And became homeless.                       


I find a rather stark contrast between the ethics practised by many men- and the - ethos- or-rather- vast void of ethics found in men like this- including the ones who repeatedly write hate against women- .They sound like my x !!!!  He was an extreme abuser of women and children- the first was a manipulative being- a very twisted person- who appeared- to some- as -conservative-and "okay. " Only some. Many did not find him -"balanced".That one left for another- who is now gone from him-also. Both sued for child custody. When the first x lost- he left the courthouse- cursing outside and saying" She slept with the #%^&*&#  judge"
 (As reported to me by a person who was outside on the steps- and was disturbed by what was heard)

I think protective and non-abusing mothers who have lost custody of their children -especially to abusers/child abusers- will find much that speaks to them, in Kipling's poem.

DANGERous to the health and welfare of abused children ********

_Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS)

There have always been, and sadly probably always will be, abusers. This despite the increased efforts of many, to protect children.

This group of people are banging the drum of pas /pa again. What is so insidious in this- is the fact that it all sounds- sort of- reasonable to a general public and those who are not informed. In reality, among the "speakers" , one finds some very dubious backgrounds- the kind of background that would make a protective parent run for their lives, clutching their children in their arms.

What has happened to untold numbers -usually of mothers and children, is that a non abusing parent goes for divorce in order to save herself and her children. I'm talking battered women and/or sexually abused children. The children do not want to "visit" their abuser (reasonable, don't you think ?) and the abuser just gets himself a lawyer who is hooked in with certain psychologists and evaluators (so called experts). Using pas/pa- these- lawyers and psychologists etc. will convince a judge (some take less convincing than others) that the mother is alienating. Mother loses custody- raped children go to live with their abuser.

Not all the presenters are - knowingly or otherwise supporting abusers and the annihilation of women and children- I think the mother whose son died, for example- is NOT bent on destruction. But- the track record (often unknown) of most or all of the others- is a record of destruction.

This is posted here as - a BEWARE. Check the backgrounds and history and track record of these so called "experts". Then run the other way - FAST. Run for your life and that of your child. Abusers know about these guys- -non offending parents NEED to know about them. For their sakes and for the sake of the children. It is utterly offensive and repugnant , to someone who is in the know- to see that this- bunch of ideas is being " pushed" on an unsuspecting public.

At least, there is here a list- of "dangerous to the health and welfare of mothers and children" people.
So- take under advisement and do your research. Especially if you are a working mother (can pay the abuser) and if there are any assets that you might have-. Be prepared to lose- everything. Children AND their material inheritance.

I personally know/knew cases of total destruction of mother and children- in one province of Canada. The psychologist most implicated- is on the list of speakers.So called fathers; rights groups support these - persons also. That alone should speak volumes.

Abuse and Anguish

Abuse lives everywhere and anguish speaks all languages.. That is probably part of the "problem".Psychologists (for example) speak psychologize. Judges and lawyers speak legalese etc. When they (these groups, for example) cannot speak the language of anguish- or even comprehend it, women and children are murdered or experience soul murder. If they live, they are imprisoned for life in the deathcamp of anguish.

Then there is testosteronese and the language of entitlement. Since many mothers speak only motherese, and no-one else but a mother is liable to be able to comprehend, - there is no help if you are a battered mother and/or your children are raped. As well as speaking motherese and the language of anguish- beaten mothers and their children must understand legalese,testosteronese and psychologizing.Of course, only if you want to protect yourself and your children.

The language barrier was brought home to me with great clarity,last week. I was visiting the office of a group whose raison d'etre is to support women. I had- distanced myself, as there was no place for a person who- doesn't want to knit or do exercises or learn about self esteem.At the same time- something is better than nothing - - - -and there are a couple of bright lights there - -

One worker, a woman whom I admire, said to me : "You couldn't act more until you recovered your self esteem-right?" Ah- she (and most if not all social workers etc. can talk the language they were taught-psychologize) but not the language of anguish.


Right there is a major reason I tend to operate- alone. Even some people working IN the sorry field of domestic terrorism, do not speak anguish.They experience language interference from psychologese.

It would take too long to explain to her that this self esteem - stuff- is way way off- for many. Maybe not for all- I don't know. I know that when "people" suggested I needed therapy-for which one pays- I just looked at them. Therapy for the victim does NOTHING to stop the murderous child rapist who wants to shut you up ! Next, I suppose, will be mandatory therapy for every rape victim who lives through her attack, and identifies her attacker.I used to think all these groups were insane. Totally mad. I mean -psychologists and lawyers etc.

Now, I realize- they can't speak or even understand the language. Some ARE insane. Criminally insane.

It is not lack of self esteem that shuts up a lot of women. It is the recognition that these groups ,well meaning or not- cannot speak the language of anguish. Criminal attacks should be reported to the police (we are supposed to) and then the attackers- should be tried in court.
Until that happens, domestic terrorism will continue.

Thank goodness I know a LOT of mothers who speak my language. Anguish. We do not suffer from a lack of self esteem-we suffer from a lack of criminal behavior not being treated as such.
If we live through our attacks- we spend our lives dodging bullets. Dodging is not a lack of self esteem- on the contrary- it is very healthy to not want to be further abused or have your children "live" a life of abuse.

Heck- what did I expect ! That others were as decent as my parents ? Yes- in that sense I was naive. That the laws applied to me- ? I thought so. I thought wrong. After all- women were not considered persons under the law- and allowed to vote- until my mother was 45 years old. The year I was born. 1941. Not long enough and not enough women and child murders to exige social evolution.

Abuse lives everywhere and anguish speaks all languages.

PAS

PAS = Perpetrators Aligning Strategically