Mish Mash

There are things I know that inhabit my mind and soul and serve to waken me or stun me back into the time and place of the events. They come unbidden to tear again at me. If I am driving or in a meeting or trying to pay a purchase, they put me into a forgetting- of the moment. I end up driving somewhere I had not intended. I lose my train of thought in the meeting or stop functioning effectively in the language of that meeting. I forget my blasted PIN number and have to hold up a long line of people while I search for the number I have secreted somewhere to deal with these PTSD symptoms.

There are things I remember. The child rapist tells me he is taking my then small son 6? 7? 8? and looking 5, to help him with wood. I don't like it at all, but I had a small baby in the house and the cr was capable of killing me. The cr comes back after a while, without my son. Heart clutch. Has he killed him ? I must remain calm- there is a baby upstairs. He says- I came back for tea-he is piling wood. He has that look on his face- a sort of cruel perverse smug "I gotcha" look. I MUST remain calm. He sits there for a long time. After- I don't know how long, a strange car pulls up. Out gets a man -in his- 50's ? wearing one of those "old time" fur hats-. He has glasses. My son gets out of the passenger side. The man says something to him. My son comes to the house - walking stiff legged- with what has been descibed as the thousand yard stare. Past me, inside, upstairs to his room.I must have gone outside. The man says to me that he lives near where the cr was working and heard the child crying so he brought him home. I know he is lying. I cannot conceive of why. I go upstairs. My son is in his room- the rest is still blank. The man talked briefly to the cr-. Then left.

Some time later, I put it all together. You see, the cr did not just trade/sell my two daughters (only one ?) he also sold my son. And the son's father , who left and divorced me, supported the cr . Supported a child rapist and refused to pay for his school etc.( I refused to ask for alimony- I knew he would torture us-or me) Supported the cr when I went for divorce FROM the cr, and lost custody of two small traumatized girls to the cr.  Did I report ? Of course. The social services did nothing except push for family therapy. Insane. Or part of a porn/child sex ring.  That's one tiny example of what comes to torture me daily and nightly. I have achieved a couple of things though. The cr who tried to kill me, did not succeed- in or out of the marriage. I think he is dead but I have no confirmation. The supporter is dead .

The college fund I began for children, the properties I was working to pay for so I could leave them to the children- all gone. Lost. They succeeeded in losing me my jobs -properties- everything. Absolutely everything. But- they NEVER got my spirit. They never will. So, when I listen to our present government blathering about crime rates etc. , to me, they are blithering idiots. I am soothed that I am not alone in thinking this.I wonder if intrafamilial child sexual abuse will be recognized as such- in my lifetime. Recognized by social services and courts etc.  I don't think so. Not in my lifetime. There are literally thousands and thousands of divorced mothers, whose children at the very least, are twisted up in their development, by this - shared parenting concept. All THAT idea is, is to reduce child support payments. At the worst- there are cases like ours.

American Family Recieves Asylum in Europe: Holly Collins Son Returns Home to Marblehead Massachusetts

American Family Recieves Asylum in Europe: Holly Collins Son Returns Home to Marblehead Massachusetts

This is of such crucial importance for so many thousands of mothers and children across North America. Most are unable to speak. They are dead or gagged or just trying to live from day to day. Often, just putting one foot in front of the other, drains all energy from survivors of this particular hell.

The hell of ,as children, being wrenched-plucked from a peaceful, safe loving environment in order to live (not the right word) with your abuser, your rapist.The hell of being that mother who not only must somehow live with the the indescribable agony of never seeing your children (or rarely)and the unbearable knowledge that they are being profoundly wounded and you can do nothing to help them. Nothing , but pay money to the abuser. At the same time, a mother like this must protect herself from the continued and often escalated attacks by the criminal who tried to kill her, who beat and battered her and who so grotesquely abused her children and animals.

Jennifer speaks for all those thousands of children across North America and in other countries.
Who will listen, and learn ?

Rights for Mothers | Resources and Support for Noncustodial and Custodially-Challenged Mothers

Rights for Mothers | Resources and Support for Noncustodial and Custodially-Challenged Mothers


Get a whiff of these Pedocaust Deniers- Warshak and his followers

Momma, will I ever be able to pee again?

The 9 year old asked in a trembling terrified voice. I am standing beside her in one of those miniscule hospital emergency room examining stations. Two weeks ago her father, who got custody, actually brought her for a visit. (he never followed court orders) Her sister didn't come. She had marched straight up to the bathroom - actually - limped up- one step, one foot. Then the other foot, hesitatingly beside it. She looked to be in pain. She never spoke. I held back from going up, to see if the wife beater,child sexual assaulter and bestiality practitioner was outside still. He was. Parked. So, we cannot speak. He had bought one of those listening devices. I don't know if it was effective for listening, but the girls certainly thought so.

By the time I go upstairs, the little one- she was small for her age - was in the bathtub- and scalding hot water was in the tub. Horrified, I put on the cold water. She spoke- "No it has to be hot." She turns it off when it is only about two inches deep. I don't understand - but I know it is profound. Her eyes tell me that. Her entire being speaks of trauma. I still don't get it-. I pick up her clothes- dirty as usual. The underpants are coated, in the crotch area with a dried viscous white substance. I think- now he has given her an infection. I want to take her to the hospital. I can't. I have no money. None. I have no gas. I dare not phone the doctor. The perpetrator is still outside. He has attacked men - not just me and not just children. If I phone and he can hear me with that blasted device-the doctor is at even more risk.

I cannot remember the rest of the day.I only know that 2 weeks later I saw her again on a Sunday, and I had some money for gas to go to the hospital. The underpants are in a Ziploc bag.

The doctor doesn't SEE what is in front of him. Or doesn't want to. Emergency room doctors on weekends are frequently beginners. I don't suppose doctors are taught anything about female anatomy from babyhood on. Does he think it normal what I see clearly ? Does he ask ? No. Another big nothing.My child has been raped and no-one sees, hears or wants to know. If I speak too much, my chances of being killed increase- and it looks as though the ONLY thing I can do for my children- is not be killed by him. That would prove the hopelessness of living to them- for sure.

The doctor DID write a bit- about redness he saw - but nothing of the tearing- which I saw. But then- 21 years later-if an adult is raped- there is no operating place, with rape kits etc. -available.(in my geographic region) Society teaches us well- women and children are - nothing.You can do anything you want to them, and nothing will happen. And if you try to tell ? - You are criminalized- for "wanting to tell lies about the nice man." All the while- our society makes nice noises about combatting child sexual assaults.

The underpants finally went to the social services. The answer came back: "there is nothing we can do."

I never thought they would or could- but- followed the law anyway.But then- apart from the perpetrator, the social services were a major obstacle for protecting my children. Goes like this : follow the law, report child sexual aggressions, go for divorce to protect them and self-be blamed for lying by social services, lose custody to child rapist. Some wonder why more sex crimes are not reported -well- really- how inane can you get.

I love to watch Dexter. Of course. I wish he were real.

Every day I want to wrap my arms around my children and tell them I will protect them from a criminal. But that would be lying to them. And now they are confused adults- out there somewhere.I guess.

Battered Mothers-A Human Rights Issue

Battered Mothers-A Human Rights Issue




If you still think that applying some theory or other to a situation- instead of looking at reality- then for the sake of your soul , life and that of your children- READ the actual words of fathers' rights proponents- who also support THEORIES - and decide on the basis of information and knowledge.

Simply put : if you ascribe to theories like alienation, false memory, false accusations,seductive children etc. ad nauseum - you are in agreement with the sexual, spiritual,emotional psychological and physical abuse of women and children. In the website -you will read the actual words of these- pro-pedo types. Says a lot about the -state of our "society". Doesn't reflect well on the few -mothers who get sucked into this sick ,twisted group of humans. Speaks volumes about the few "men" who are polititians- who push for bills that essentially propose the oppression of women and children. Of course- it is only 81 years since women in Canada were declared persons. Some people have never accepted that women and children are - people.

Rules are Lke Women; Made to be Violated

Sexual Assault and Violence in Canada New Brunswick Beacon

If you have or had a mother, or a sister (s) or female cousins or aunts-or girlfriends- etc.-
Especially if you have sons or daughters- you need to read and re-read this. For all human beings-

I wonder if this judge is the darling of certain- "fathers' rights" types. Here you have a legal expert pronouncing on the merits of sex with any female- children included. He didn't cover bestiality- wonder what his view is on that ? I suppose like some- if you can get away with it - -.If I were a man, I would be disgusted that this judge is - also -male.This judge does a disservice, to be super polite- to ALL human beings.

BCLocalNews.com - In Depth - Violence against women: Salt Spring men speak out

BCLocalNews.com - In Depth - Violence against women: Salt Spring men speak out


Everyone knows the majority of men - real men, are out there. But, we do not often hear from them. How -soul - soothing to read this.

Custody Crisis: Why Moms Are Punished in Court | momlogic.com

Custody Crisis: Why Moms Are Punished in Court momlogic.com

This is a very important article on how abused children are given in custody to their abusers/rapists.
It happens- over and over and over. The public doesn't seem to realize- or perhaps, does not WANT to realize that this scenario plays out in divorce courts all over North America. There are numerous Canadian cases. I wonder if any governments will wake up and realize the human rights abuses and destruction that they are , in effect, by their inaction, promoting.

Child Custody Given to Sexually Abusive Father

Child Custody Given to Sexually Abusive Father

Nothing new here. Happens more often than any decent ethical person can imagine (as if one wants to - -)

Some of the names here are- worth noting- as in : DANGER


Also- am unsure if the information is in this text- or another-
What is important to know is this : "He also had a collection of pictures of women and little girls,naked or in riding outfits on horses, that he had begun gathering since the age of sixteen."

One is led to wonder what prompted his-immigration to Canada - - - -

POLEMIC & PARADOX: IS SEVEN YEARS ENOUGH?

POLEMIC & PARADOX: IS SEVEN YEARS ENOUGH?

I'm with this writer-An abused child gets life- the abuser - - -?
And we wonder why some young ones "go astray" -
get depressed- can't function effectively etc.

I got yer rape prevention email forward right here at I Blame The Patriarchy

I got yer rape prevention email forward right here at I Blame The Patriarchy


Ahhhh- for the thinking rapist who wants to stop - -there are a few that could be added- for rapist dads - -

Protection for Children at Risk

Protection for Children at Risk

Please sign this petition. I consider this complete criminal insanity to not harshly condemn rapists- especially child rapists. Some of our laws are a joke. Victims must -deal with the aftereffects- for a LIFETIME. The criminals get- a few months- and go go off and rape some more. Small wonder that when dear old dad rapes his children- no attention is paid-unless to blame the mother-

Criminal insanity to not address this - situation.

Pimping Our Children

Two news items have me once again- completely disgusted with our "society" in North America. The first is concerning a Mr. Colvin ,who was apparently doing his job properly, and sending information he gathered, about the torture of prisoners in Afghanistan. These were prisoners Canada released to the Afghan government -where they were tortured in Afghan prisons.  Reporters have filmed reports before. The Canadian government appeared to  be defaming Mr. Colvin for doing his job- covering up -either their lack of concern at the time the reports were received, or- covering up the studied inattention to these reports. Whatever the reason for this -behaviour- "destroy the whistleblower" - it further adds to the Canadian public's distrust of this present (Conservative ) government. The story smacks of dishonesty, unethical behavior and a lack of transparency.

The other story- bits and pieces of which were seen on Oprah- so- worldwide exposure- , is the story saying a mother pimped out her daughter - ostensibly to pay a debt. The child was murdered. Died , it would seem, as a result of her rape. The child was five years old.

My reaction is basically- so- what's new ? I know the story of a mother who duly reported (in terror ) the sodomy of her babies, the sexual abuse/aggression of her children and her own beatings at the hands of the same perp- reported to police, hospitals,doctor- as did neighbours who witnessed other -unacceptable behaviors. The police and doctors (for example) must by law, report to the social services.  All these behaviors- are against the laws of many countries.(child rape, pimping a child/baby, child pornography, bestiality and trying to kill another person.)

In a sense- this mother was whistle blowing -on the perp. What happened ? Well- the police told her that they had to report to social services-and then added- "but they never do anything". And- nothing happened.
When this mother sought divorce to save herself and her children-SHE was blamed for- lord knows- anything and everything.  Now doesn't that smack of- kill the messenger/destroy the whistleblower  ?????

Further, she lost custody of her small children- to the child rapist. Isn't that -pimping ? One could say, that in that "case" - the social services are pimps. They deliver tiny victims to the child rapists.

This "case" took place in Quebec- but there are similar stories right across Canada. The one that comes to mind- is that of Christian Lee in British Columbia. He died. Similar scenario led to his death.

What I learned from this case and terrifyingly, many many others, is that : if you end up with a child rapist -you will be blamed and no-one will do anything. If you withhold visits (i.e. sending your child to their rapist) ,you are blamed and can lose custody. If you even REPORT your child's rape.sodomy- you will lose custody. If you run to save your children, you will lose custody. So- if your child/children are raped/sexually aggressed by their father- the message is clear- there isn't a damn thing you can do.

Didn't Kafka write about this kind of - impossible situation ??? -------

OXYMORONS « MamaLiberty’s Weblog

OXYMORONS « MamaLiberty’s Weblog


I just found this EXCELLENT commentary on - why some mothers and their children are destroyed. This is the attitude set-mind set of those who align themselves with fathers' rights groups. Why do some judges, lawyers,psychologists and a whack of social workers ascribe to pas pa ideas ???? There are probably several reasons- but the end result is the same- destruction of children's lives.One would think that these- supporters of vile ideas would research first ,before they expose their- predilictions ?

Whoever wrote this is on the same wave length as the post I wrote recently..

One of the reasons I only remember bits and pieces of what the x's lawyer was saying in court- and the x's psychologist; is that I was spending time in court thinking of how to get in and out etc. without being attacked or killed. Also, I knew the x's psychologist was a leader in a fathers' rights group in Montreal and had also been associated with a nambla type group in the area. I remember thinking as the psycho logist was spouting his "credentials" to a judge -the one that he said he had "done" 200 assessments- I was calculating how many children had been destroyed-

And today(Nov.20) is -National Children's Day. Yeah . Right. Canada signed the Convention on Children's Rights in 1989 - who knew ! As useful as a protection order against a murderous,violent child rapist. All words, no action-Canada - -

Thankfully, I KNOW there are a majority of people who do not think that daddies having sex with children is okay. In fact , there are laws against it. So- WHY do some people persist in accepting and trying to PUSH the idea that it is okay ?????? I will not repeat my answer to that question, here.

JOKE

of the 20th and 21st centuries, proferred by Canada's own Minister of National Defense, and reported by Allan Woods of thestar.com (previous post).

Oxford dictionary : one definition of a joke- ridiculous circumstances

Referring to Allan Woods ' report, Canadian soldiers have been explicitly ordered to stop or report incidents of Afghan soldiers or interpreters raping young boys. That excludes any other personnel of any nationality-it also excludes-rape of any girls or any adults or animals. I suppose that any Canadian soldiers who might be inclined to participate in such activities will wait until they are back home. One can report until one is blue in the face- and be following orders. Doesn't mean anything changes. Reporting doesn't stop abuse. Our Canadian laws require citizens to report abuse. Big deal. Not worth your time- or maybe- it makes the reporter feel that "something" will be done.

Next, it seems that MacKay stated that there was no evidence to support allegations that senior officers have turned a blind eye to the abuse. Well- of course they have-if they didn't WITNESS the events themselves-they are not (apparently) under orders to report !

MacKay continues in the carefully worded palliative statement- that- like all Canadians everywhere - the soldiers are required to . . . . ."do the right thing, to prevent, to pre-empt. to intervene." This blandness he terms an - expectation. Ohhh- but Peter- didn't your mama tell you, that the road to hell is paved with good intentions and expectations ???? We all know what happens to - - -expectations - -don't we ????

Next we are informed by Mr.Woods - following earlier reports --that soldiers who WERE reporting abuses, were told to not interfere. I absolutely believe that. How can anyone expect Canadian soldiers of any rank , to "stop" sexual abuses in another country- in a war; when (for example) father/daughter rape is reported in Canada - and nothing happens - unless, as is frequently the case, the sexual victims are given in custody to live with their rapist.

"There is no evidence . . . .and . . .we require strict adherence to the local rule of law" , MacKay told reporters. There you go- all taken care of- it is someone else's responsibility. Pass the buck often enough and you lose your money.(your children)

However, the real corker comes at the end of Mr.Woods' article. "I can tell you as a former Crown prosecutor that any sexual abuse against children will not be tolerated", (in which century or on what planet ? Mr. MacKay ????????)

Is this crass ignorance, unimaginable stupidity or vile maliciousness ? Can we not just deal with reality ? That we are eons away from properly addressing this scourge of sexual abuse. That we cannot even "clean our own nest" . That every year thousands of hapless sexual abuse victims are sent to live with their abusers.

And- Mr.MacKay worked in criminal and FAMILY LAW and also as a Crown prosecutor in youth .provincial and Supreme courts, before entering politics.

What a cruel and vicious joke. My condolences to all the present and future survivors out there.

Memories are - - -

hound dogging me - it is like- trying to live with a really massive ball (s)and chain(s)- that sometimes threatens to roll over and crush me- if I am not paying attention. Anything can dredge up a vomitous flashback. Complete with the feelings that accompanied the event.

If I purposely overwork in an attempt to so fatigue myself that I will sleep; the chains shred my dreams and I awaken with a flashback. The beast will not be denied.

The worst are not my being beaten up- nor the attempt to kill me, nor the murdered pets-- the worst are the recurring visual images of my children being hurt. Images of the aftermath. Like the Sunday hewhoshallnotbenamed, brought the youngest for the court prescribed visit - with me, the non-offending, protective mother. The older one does not appear. The little one comes through the front door- eyes straight ahead-fixed somewhere-off- far away- like the "thousand yard
'or is it mile- stare that I have seen used to describe some states noted in returning, shell shocked soldiers.She is dirty snow white. She starts straight up the stairs One foot up, then the other foot. As though she is in pain- like a really elderly person willing themselves to go upstairs. She is nine. Not a word. She is mute. She goes straight to the bathroom and silently begins to strip. I look outside. Her molester is still out there. The children have told me that he bought a device- that is marketed to enhance hearing- in other words, a listening device.

She is now in the bathtub. She turns on the HOT water- no mixing. Shocked-(I picture burns) I say- oh sweetheart- you have to mix it. She seems almost desperate to not have me mix the water. She speaks- something like"no no- it has to be just hot and not deep and I have to sit in it."

Sitz bath. I pick up her discarded clothes- to wash later. There is ejaculate in her underpants.
I have no money for gas or food or anything. I phone some neighbours- to see if someone will lend me 20..00 so I can bring my profoundly wounded child to the hospital. Everyone is out. The molester is still outside.

A lot after that is still not clear. I know it must be in there- in the memory banks- but- it hasn't arrived to bite me yet. I know I had a million thoughts- racing- hospital- can't- phone cops? traumatizing for child. Law says must phone social services. What the hell for. They told me straight to my face- "I don't believe you." I have subsequently never phoned to report. No point.The child rapist is still outside. Right on my lawn- not even parked on the asphalt. Virtually on the verandah.

I put the underpants in a Ziplock bag. Later, they are given to the social services. Their answer ? " There is nothing we can do."

It is the look in my child's eyes, that torments me. Even in sleep. Forever. That is one of my- forever memories.

I can't find a Hallmark card for this event.

An Old Refrain

With the advent of spring - an old refrain is playing louder. Perhaps some readers will recognize it.

Once upon a time and still - a rape victim often heard or read :

"You shouldn't have gone out with him. You should have known. He thought you wanted it. "

"Didn't you realize you shouldn't have gone to that party ? bar / restaurant ? parking spot ? part of town ? building ? " prom ? "

"Well, anyone who dresses like that, is just asking for it - - leaves a window or balcony door cracked open etc. - should have known better."

"She couldn't have fought back too hard - she can walk and talk. Maybe she invited him in and changed her mind. "

"So- what was she doing leaving the library after dark ? "Why didn't she scream for help ? "

"Well-have you seen the way she walks - talks - smiles - laughs - cracks jokes - etc."

You know - I saw her drink a glass of wine at her birthday party - parents' anniversary party - on the patio with a girlfriend -. She was probably drunk. So what's a guy to think ? "

Place responsibility for the crime - on the victim.

Then we heard: the baby was so cute - it was just his way of expressing love. He didn't realize it would hurt her - change her development - infect her abdomen - kill her from the tearing in the intestine. He thought she was just sleeping.

Then : well- you know how seductive toddlers and children can be. After all, he/she kept wanting to sit on his lap. I mean - really- what's a guy to think ?

And from pedophiles and pro-pedophiles - "Sex before eight or it's too late."

Now - the 6 year old and up can buy thongs - wear what an earlier generation would call "prossie" clothes. Check in the stores in your friendly family mall - check certain dolls - observe some advertisements -

As for teens - well - hey - they are adults - they have adult bodies.

Now - more and more, we hear : she falsely accused me of sexually abusing my kids - she is keeping my kids from me she is alienating my kids - etc. ad nauseum.

Finally - I can't let my kids suffer her trying to protect them from me-after all- they are mine- to do with as I see fit- not her. So I choose to keep them just for me. That will show her. I choose to kill them. If I can't have them, no-one can. They are MINE. Only I can choose what to do to them. She has driven me to this.

I can't live without them. And if some stupid judge listens to her and doesn't understand how she drove me to the brink. I had better join them. It's all her fault. They will see that, after I'm gone.

Any part of this song sound familiar ? It is played daily.

Abuse and Anguish

Abuse lives everywhere and anguish speaks all languages.. That is probably part of the "problem".Psychologists (for example) speak psychologize. Judges and lawyers speak legalese etc. When they (these groups, for example) cannot speak the language of anguish- or even comprehend it, women and children are murdered or experience soul murder. If they live, they are imprisoned for life in the deathcamp of anguish.

Then there is testosteronese and the language of entitlement. Since many mothers speak only motherese, and no-one else but a mother is liable to be able to comprehend, - there is no help if you are a battered mother and/or your children are raped. As well as speaking motherese and the language of anguish- beaten mothers and their children must understand legalese,testosteronese and psychologizing.Of course, only if you want to protect yourself and your children.

The language barrier was brought home to me with great clarity,last week. I was visiting the office of a group whose raison d'etre is to support women. I had- distanced myself, as there was no place for a person who- doesn't want to knit or do exercises or learn about self esteem.At the same time- something is better than nothing - - - -and there are a couple of bright lights there - -

One worker, a woman whom I admire, said to me : "You couldn't act more until you recovered your self esteem-right?" Ah- she (and most if not all social workers etc. can talk the language they were taught-psychologize) but not the language of anguish.


Right there is a major reason I tend to operate- alone. Even some people working IN the sorry field of domestic terrorism, do not speak anguish.They experience language interference from psychologese.

It would take too long to explain to her that this self esteem - stuff- is way way off- for many. Maybe not for all- I don't know. I know that when "people" suggested I needed therapy-for which one pays- I just looked at them. Therapy for the victim does NOTHING to stop the murderous child rapist who wants to shut you up ! Next, I suppose, will be mandatory therapy for every rape victim who lives through her attack, and identifies her attacker.I used to think all these groups were insane. Totally mad. I mean -psychologists and lawyers etc.

Now, I realize- they can't speak or even understand the language. Some ARE insane. Criminally insane.

It is not lack of self esteem that shuts up a lot of women. It is the recognition that these groups ,well meaning or not- cannot speak the language of anguish. Criminal attacks should be reported to the police (we are supposed to) and then the attackers- should be tried in court.
Until that happens, domestic terrorism will continue.

Thank goodness I know a LOT of mothers who speak my language. Anguish. We do not suffer from a lack of self esteem-we suffer from a lack of criminal behavior not being treated as such.
If we live through our attacks- we spend our lives dodging bullets. Dodging is not a lack of self esteem- on the contrary- it is very healthy to not want to be further abused or have your children "live" a life of abuse.

Heck- what did I expect ! That others were as decent as my parents ? Yes- in that sense I was naive. That the laws applied to me- ? I thought so. I thought wrong. After all- women were not considered persons under the law- and allowed to vote- until my mother was 45 years old. The year I was born. 1941. Not long enough and not enough women and child murders to exige social evolution.

Abuse lives everywhere and anguish speaks all languages.