Tuesday 20 December 2011

The Web

of manipulation, lies and stupidity. A hallmark of divorces involving abuses. Here is one small thread of one tiny web.

A bit of background. Husband no.1 , x no. 1  saw me reading a book by (I forget !) maybe Greer, or de Beauvoir . Around 1972. I was always and remain, a "bookworm". He decided then and there that I was a feminist. I didn't know what that was ! Whatever that was, to him it seemed as if I was a murderer or something equally horrendous. He stomped around the house like a 2 year old having a tantrum. Weird. But then, the guy seemed so damaged that I knew early on that something was terribly off about him.  I got married when that one asked (had refused a lot) , to please my aging parents. They lived in a decent world. None of us knew about- "the hollow people".

Fast forward. I marry x2, because I am pregnant  (after being told by medical people that I could never have another child) and as I have no job, no money and did have the farm my parents left me,I decided I had no choice but to marry.(late 70's) Looking back, I still cannot see any other decision I could have made. I did have 25$ a week in child support. I has refused alimony for me, knowing that the hollow man would never leave me alone.(even though he left and wanted divorce)

Jump ahead about six years. Son by x1, now age 11, abused and traumatized by x2 and his friends, is developing some behaviours that I find suspicious. I am in the process of setting up our escape plan and must not allow anything to arouse suspicion in x2. I have already asked a lawyer about divorce and was told I must tell the abuser. I was afraid of being killed- but told him. He seemed to-go the way of trying to  convince me to not divorce. I had quietly put it off for a year. I made more plans in the meantime. (x2 is an incestuous child rapist of children, animal rapist and wife beater)

I try to never let the children out of my sight. Ever. It is late summer.1983 ?  The son is home, soon to go to boarding school. I lose sight of the older girl, age 5, and the boy. Panic. Call and call and rush around with my heart in my throat. . Finally into the new vehicle to search further afield. 

A short way down the country farm lane, and the girl emerges from a shed. Comes to the vehicle. With a look on her face- of - shock ? I ask what was going on. She told me. (undressed her) I asked if the boy had put any body part inside her.She said "no- he started to, and stopped." I want to vomit. I want to kill. I want to disappear with my daughters. I can do nothing. If he (x2) finds out, we are doomed. All of us. 

For years, I have told medical, police, church, psychologists at a major Montreal hospital etc. They must report to social services.Family therapy is offered. Nothing.I had got another degree, a job,a vehicle etc.The son was going to be in boarding school. To protect him and all of us. If I say something now-to whom ? There is no-one left to tell. The web is about to strangle us all.Just like x2 did. Except I lived. Will we all live through this ?

Maybe a couple of weeks later, a social worker appears. Another one. I thought- finally, some reaction from the powers that be. Silly me. She was talking about the boy.She closed the file, writing that I had solved the problem. At the time I still had not caught on- I thought- nothing is solved, what is she talking about ? So, x2 was behind all that. SS listened to him, but not the police or doctor or any of the others- including me. Are they all in a group of pedophiles ?

Half a year later, I have temporary custody, have rented my loved farm and moved (second mortgage) to a house in a village, thinking that if I scream , there is a chance someone will at least hear.

The girl children return from a visit to abuserdad.I am making the beds and find a diary of sorts under the eldest's pillow. There is little in it and it does not read like a child's phrases. There is a last entry :xxxx raped me. I photocopy the phamplet and return it under the pillow. After I lost custody and rarely saw the two seriously traumatized girls,on a visit to me, the older girl suddenly asks me (in a very public place !) "Mum , what does rape mean ?" I answer "It means when someone puts a penis inside your body and you don't want them to." "ohhhhhhhh, I thought it meant take all your clothes off" .

There it is. x2 told her to write that in that "diary"(which I never saw again) and blamed the boy, x1's son, for the supposed rape. By which they meant penile penetration. x1 supported the child rapist who was also responsible for traumatizing his son. The whole thing is/was  so incredibly twisted, demented,, criminal, unspeakably evil and destructive that words are inadequate to describe that web.

This is what "protective" mothers are talking about, when we use the word abuses or domestic violence.This is what fathers' rights gangs support. This. 

Saturday 3 September 2011

Chilling 1

It is a wondrous thing. My life. One long scratching for survival or, just to be left alone in peace. Lay off the incessant demands.Even as a tiny toddler still in a crib, I had a mind of my own. So when I was fed boiled prunes ,little brown slugs floating in their nasty-looking brown juice, I got up- wobbled to the window and without too much stretching, tipped them out the window !

So at age six, when a man dressed in what I told the police ,were "soldier clothes", tried to lure me onto the side running board of his car- to see "something interesting"- I pretended to step on the board. Caught a glimpse of something that resembled the gross whitish bloated grubs that ate the vegetable garden plants. Milliseconds before he roared off- gunning the engine and disappeared around the corner.Minutes before, as I had crossed a street, he rolled up beside me and called through the open window- "Take down your pants". True to form, I had yelled NO and thought- boy- how weird is THAT-.

The subtle and the not at all subtle harassment continued and escalated as I matured.To the point where I could not understand why any girl/woman would WANT a date on Saturday night, much less any other night. By 19 I had pretty much given up on dating. It was in no way a pleasure to be fighting off tentacle hands guys groping and/or being called names I had never heard- . Lesbian. Was that someone who wouldn't just F##k a guy because HE wanted to ??? Some did not behave like cavemen- but, I was keen on my job and interested in almost -everything- and had girl after girl arriving at my apartment, with 1-3 babies and toddlers, asking to stay the night. I had irate husbands who pounded on my door the next day or night demanding to see their wives. These girls, with whom I had been to college, often had visible bruises. I just was- the dumb blonde- "Who ? oh- haven't seen her since college. You are her husband ? Oh -congratulations ! You are so lucky. " etc. They would slink off growling.At 20 I bought a piece of land. 20- 26 I don't remember much- I was working, content, had a job, car apartment, cat etc. To please my aging parents, who were increasingly worried because I was not married (they came from a world that required a man to "take care of" a wife and children". Decent people.): I accepted yet another marriage proposal from someone who seemed stable- my parents "accepted" him. And that was the beginning of the end -

Sunday 17 July 2011

Unwarranted guilt-

I was working flat out , in an excellent position-as I paid the mortgages, clothing- everything but some food. Two children are at the babysitter's. One- 7 months old- (6?) , the other, 1.7 years old. I go to pick them up- am off a bit earlier than usual. The babysitter meets me at the door with the older child- with a terrible look on her face. My husband- the child sexual predator, has come and taken the baby. I ask -how long ago-. Not long- . I drive like a fiend to get back. Arrive- fly into house. I cannot remember where the toddler was or where she went- if she came in- that is a blank. Still. Pervert comes rushing down the stairs, puffing and all red in the face. He says- gasping- don't go up- she's been sick- . Die you fuck.(I think) I go up. Find a sheet with -a circular wet mark about 5 inches in diameter- baby maybe was sucking on it ? She is on her stomach- a hastily thrown clean sheet on the crib mattress- not tucked in- and a new diaper. Her tiny bottom in the air, knees/legs curled under her. At some point- can't remember- immediate ?- I pick her up and put her on the changing table. Open the diaper. She had made desperate protesting noises when I picked her up (from behind). There is a flaming red friction burn mark around the anus, as if a red-hot two dollar piece had been held there and seared the skin. I grab the zinc paste. Gently pick up the legs- she stiffens her whole body and pulls/looks away. God. One part of my mind KNOWS what the bastard did. The other part is reeling from- how could anyone- who will believe me- what the hell do I do do I kill him do I try (again) to get out- can't tell social services- they won't believe me- can't be obvious he will kill me (already tried)She kind of convulses . A viscous white ribbon of matter is expelled. Ejaculate. I call the baby's name. Show her the paste on my finger. Say "it's mummy, it's mummy-" She suddenly focuses on me and the body relaxes. I put the paste on -gingerly. When he did this to the older one (as a baby) I did not connect. He wouldn't let me take her to the hospital (I realize now- until the burn marks went.)When I did go- the hospital didn't "connect" either.

The rest of the days and weeks are a complete blank- except-

A few days later, there are bruises on both legs. I cannot figure it out- my hand does not fit- the marks are too big- and, the marks don't fit the way I had held her legs to put on the paste.Two outlines of two hands- well- ten fingers-. I tried placing my hands every which way- I thought I had caused the bruises. It was years before I realised- the bruises were from HIM grabbing her- from behind, while she was on her stomach. And this being (male) got sole custody and then cut me out entirely from their lives. Then , everyone blamed me and thought I had done something wrong. I wish I WERE a witch and could bring down disaster on all the people who destroyed us.

Saturday 2 July 2011


For reasons that I haven't yet figured out, the flashbacks are hitting hard and heavy.
The really bad ones. For example; Easter, 1981. The child rapist's mother comes to visit. I take her (and the 7 month old baby to- - was it an auction?- Maybe just to see her old haunts. The 2.5 year old stayed home. Chrapist says he'll stay as she is due for a nap. Not far along in the little drive- the mother suddenly emphatically wants to go back. She was almost in a panic. Back we go- and she rushes out of the car and into the house. And upstairs. Chrapist comes rushing out of the house, all red in face. At the bottom of the stairs, the mother calls to me in a wavery voice-" XXXXXXXXXXXX- there's something wrong with xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx.She won't move, she won't talk it's like she can't see me." I go up. I know now- but not then, that the tiny child was catatonic. There were chocolates on the bed, and she was dressed in an awful(to my eyes) pink quilted dressing gown. Never seen before nor after. This is the criminal who got custody. I went for divorce to save myself and my children. ALL my children. Wasn't believed or listened to. But then- neither were the police nor the doctor nor the psychiatrist etc. Insane.

Sunday 29 May 2011

Thursday 26 May 2011



Good place for information. Little opinion (but I looked very quickly) and lots of information. That is good and needed.

Tuesday 19 April 2011

Blazing Cat Fur: Our Elites at Work: Pedophilia a sexual orientation...just like heterosexuality

Blazing Cat Fur: Our Elites at Work: Pedophilia a sexual orientation...just like heterosexuality

Glad to see others share my opinion of this hairball. (Hubert) He has been teaching for decades at a Montreal University. Decades of children have been destroyed by his "teachings/ideas" It goes like this : report child sexual abuse - especially if it is intrafamilial- and your abuser will just find a lawyer, social worker, mediator, doctor, psychologist "expert" and bingo- lose the the children. You are - crazy or a druggie or an alcoholic or a "loose woman"- any one or combination of the usual crap.

Haven't blogged in long time. Gets too much -and- there are some truly excellent ones out there-

Tuesday 8 March 2011

Thursday 3 March 2011

California Family Courts Helping Pedophiles, Batterers Get Child Custody - Page 1 - News - San Francisco - SF Weekly#disqus_thread#disqus_thread

California Family Courts Helping Pedophiles, Batterers Get Child Custody - Page 1 - News - San Francisco - SF Weekly#disqus_thread#disqus_thread

A most important article . Of note, are many of the comments that flooded in, touting a psychological THEORY and ignoring the deaths and trauma ridden lives of (for example) the children who survived.While some in the reading public may prefer to follow ideas and theories; there are, without question many if not most, who would prefer to see children being protected and not given to criminals on the strength of words rather than facts.Children who, if not murdered, survive and fight trauma reactions for the rest of their lives.

Tuesday 18 January 2011

American Family Recieves Asylum in Europe: Holly Collins Son Returns Home to Marblehead Massachusetts

American Family Recieves Asylum in Europe: Holly Collins Son Returns Home to Marblehead Massachusetts

This is of such crucial importance for so many thousands of mothers and children across North America. Most are unable to speak. They are dead or gagged or just trying to live from day to day. Often, just putting one foot in front of the other, drains all energy from survivors of this particular hell.

The hell of ,as children, being wrenched-plucked from a peaceful, safe loving environment in order to live (not the right word) with your abuser, your rapist.The hell of being that mother who not only must somehow live with the the indescribable agony of never seeing your children (or rarely)and the unbearable knowledge that they are being profoundly wounded and you can do nothing to help them. Nothing , but pay money to the abuser. At the same time, a mother like this must protect herself from the continued and often escalated attacks by the criminal who tried to kill her, who beat and battered her and who so grotesquely abused her children and animals.

Jennifer speaks for all those thousands of children across North America and in other countries.
Who will listen, and learn ?